The "Dash"

    1971 - ???? a date yet to be determined by God. As scary as is to think about my death date, it is twice as scary to think I am squandering away that "dash". This past weekend I listened to a funeral service in which the Pastor discussed "The Dash". It has made me realize that the "dash" is quite possibly the most important time of all. Sitting and thinking about my dash has brought on many different feelings: sadness, happiness, embarrassment, fear and it has raised my anxiety level. "What have I done in my life?" "What does my dash look like?"   Reviewing your life is sometimes a very difficult thing to do.

    "Was I a good child?" Yeah, for the most part I was. I am the only girl, spoiled and  youngest of three children born into a middle lower class family. I got good grades, was a Girl Scout, played sports and minded my parents. I had friends, some of whom I still consider friends to this day. I earned a lot of badges in Girl Scouts, sold tons of cookies and even did community service. 

    My teen years were a struggle for me. We moved to Oklahoma in the spring of my 8th grade year. It was very, hard for me to move away from my life in Texas. I think this is when I became a moody girl for awhile. We lived in the country and this  was a curveball I didn't know how to handle. Playing sports was my only savior at the time., I made friends and was part of some teams. High school brought on an entirely new world I didn't know how to handle. Lots of the turmoil, I brought on myself. I was in yearbook, was in sports and even made student council president my senior year. Not bad for a shy girl.

    I had a baby my junior year, Jesica. This started some trials and more intense struggles for me in this time of my life. I was judged harshly by many people who didn't know me. But if I am being real here I wasn't the best person the first couple years of her life. I have no excuses for my actions and this I live with forever. I am so thankful for my mother during this time, she was my rock and major supporter. 

    I went to college-dropped out like an idiot. "What was I thinking?" Married Jesica's dad- again "What was I thinking?" Then I found myself divorced, alone and scared (I guess). So I drank and became someone I was not very proud of. Still to this day I do not like myself at this span of my life. I was an absurd lunatic who was kidding herself with her false bravado. 

    I married the man of my dreams- Derek. He has given me the love I had been looking for my entire life. He is my knight in shining armor. I finished college at the age of 30 and became a nurse. I struggled to make ends meet and keep everyone happy, forgot about me during this time. Even though I felt safe and loved at this stage of my life, fate threw another curve ball right at my head. My daughter and I parted ways for a little while. This threw me back into the deep dark hole. I became good at wearing masks and pretending to be okay, again to make everyone else happy. 

    Sprinkled in among all these years of my life I have lost many loved ones and lots of people I admire. Losing my parents hurt me the most. I changed once again after they passed away. I got scared again and feared life. I was an empty shell who was lost at times, I shed lots of tears. Mr. Maxx Wade pulled me out of that dark hole and renewed my life in the best way possible.  Our lives today are chocked full of greatness: lots of adventures, vacations and some amazing memories. I look forward to the future and making more memories with my family and friends. 

    After all of this review of my life I realize that the BIG, HUGE, slap me in the face thing that was missing in all those trials was a trust in God. I think He was there but I chose not to lean on Him. Like many others I was baptized when I was younger but I know I didn't believe that I had accepted Jesus into my heart. One Saturday in October of this year I accepted Jesus Christ into my heart with Jeana by myside. It was an amazing feeling and I felt renewed. 

    I now hope my dash becomes even better and more memorable because the Lord is beside me in my journey. I just hope when my time is up on this earth that all will be able to see, that I lived the best dash I could. I also want people to see my love for Jesus Christ. 

    We all need to remember it's our dash. We need to live life to the fullest of your being. Grab life by the horns and enjoy. It's only too late when they chisel that 2nd date on your tombstone. ❤life.